MALE OR FEMALE

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bottom.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water!

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Simple Home Remedies

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. It it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:

Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

MEN & WOMEN

The difference...Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £3 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everthing on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wall and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nailes with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on 24th December in 25 minutes flat.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each through in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somhow deteriorate during the night.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

Taken from the Sentenella #62 Axarquia Edition

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I walk towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I brought up from the postbox earlier...

I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk post in the bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head towards the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been seartching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:

*the car isn't washed

*the bills aren't paid

*there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

*the flowers don't have enough water

*there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book

*I can't find the remote

*I can't find my glasses

*and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll just check my e-mail.....

Strange News 1

While we were in Spain we had access to this great little booklet called The Sentinella, which is full of jokes and stories, and is hilarious. I'm going to share some of the entries with you.

Taken from The Sentinella #62 - Axarquia Edition

HALF OF BRITS INJURED BY BISCUITS

More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits, accoring to a new survey.

An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break - with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital.

The survey found that almost a third of adults had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish out the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in ten had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit. Three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and sever per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.

The custard cream was found to be the worst offender.

More Photos - Torrox Costa 05/10/09 - 15/10/09

After we left Nuneaton in the evening after the meet-up, we drove down to Folkestone to get the train through the tunnel to Calais. Keely was as good as gold all the way to Spain, as you can see from the photo below.

Driving towards the Sierra Leone mountain range

The photo below was taken about an hour after we arrived at Cafe Bar Nautico, the bar that Craig's cousin Marion runs with her partner Graham. It was red hot in Spain the two weeks that were there, so we were really lucky with the weather, which was great.

Below: view along the promenade

Below: Keely at the pool. Not that she would go in it, but she loved crawling around at the side. As soon as you put her in the water she screamed her head off.

Below: View from the front of the Cafe Bar Nautico, straight onto the beach. The bar is about 30 yards from the beach, and the sea is probably about another 60 yards. It's a great place to sit and people watch. I could do that all day...and pretty much did!

One day we went to nearby Nerja. Below is Marion sitting in the round bar where we had tapas for lunch. I'd never had tapas before, and nor had Craig, so it made a nice change.

The coastline had some amazing views as you can see from the photo of Keely and I below.

From the Balcon de Europe in Nerja there were more spectacular views, not least of which was looking straight down. The water was so clear and aquamarine blue...beautiful.

Not far from Caleta Harbour is the beach. The photo below was taken looking towards Torrox Costa. The beaches were surprisingly uncrowded along this particular stretch.

Ah yes, my two sleeping beauties. Keely was in a bit of a tired strop one morning, so Craig took her for a lie down in our room. I stood on the balcony outside and took this photo. They look so peaceful just lying there, fast asleep.

Above: Caleta Harbour. There were some gorgeous yachts here, but no good to me, I get seasick!
Below: Marion and Graham. We went to a restaurant overlooking the harbour for lunch on the Saturday, after a walk around the market.

Keely wasn't too chuffed about the beach at first, but by the end of the second week she loved it.

Below: Sunset on the beach.

Marion and Graham only really have one night off a week together, which is a Sunday. We took them out for a meal to a little restaurant that did fab ribs! They were delicious. Afterwards we went back to the bar for drinks and it was after midnight before we went back to the apartment to put Keely to bed. She only had one really late night the whole time we were there.

Above - ME

Below - Craig and Marion on the Balcon de Europe, Nerja

On the day before we were due to start driving home, Marion took us to see this lake, about half an hour drive from Torrox Costa. We went into one of the restaurants overlooking the lake.
Look at those views!

Time For Photos - Nuneaton 03/10/09

On Craig's birthday, 2nd October, we drove down to Nuneaton for another stitching meet-up. It was after 11pm by the time we got to the Travelodge (it was so well advertised and the bloody postcode was wrong on the web site!) and all three of us were absolutely knackered - Keely came too - but our first stop was the room next door to ours to visit with Kathy and the twins. We had a birthday drink for Craig then went to our room and crashed out. On the Saturday morning we made our way to the school and met up with all the old faces. Lynn did a fab job of organising everything and the day went really well.

Above: Vicky, who is a designer, just can't remember the name of her company

Below: My mate Kathy

Below: Hazel and Tracey, hard at work

Below: Clare and Tina

Below: Clare and Lynn. Does anyone remember Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough doing a sketch dressed up as old women gossiping over the fence? This is them when they were younger. PMSL. Sorry ladies, but I just couldn't help it.

Below: Clare with Keely, who was spoilt rotten all day

Below: Angie, who for once was crutch/plaster/accident free!

Still here...

I haven't done much stitching lately so nothing to show and tell about on that front. Had a great holiday in Spain, visiting Craig's cousin and her partner. Keely came too and she had a wicked time. I'll post some photos soon, I promise.

In the meantime, here's a joke. Sorry if it offend you, you could always not read it, but it IS funny. LOL.

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S)

MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you, you have no legs."

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore I can never beat you."

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Keely's First Birthday & Party

Last Wednesday it was Keely's 1st birthday. To be honest, it doesn't seem like a year since I was in the hospital with a petrified Kate, waiting for the baby to make an appearance. I think she was a bit bemused with all the attention she was getting. She got some lovely pressies including this pushalong thing with an activity centre on it, and the ride-along in the photo below this one, that she got from her Great Gran and Great Granda.

As you can see from the photo below, Great Granda enjoys playing with Keely's toys too. I suppose he has to show her how they work - that'll be his excuse anyway. LOL.

Above - enjoying a cuddle with Great Gran,

and below - cake for breakfast, yummy

Above - the official birthday cake that my friend Susan made

Below - Uncle Dene

Above - Uncle Ian

Below - Auntie Laura (Keely's godmother) and her fiance Dean

Keely had a great day on her birthday, and also on her party day which was Saturday. Kate's dad, his wife and their youngest son came up, as did Laura, her fiance Dean, and her mum Nicky. My friend Wendy came for an hour. My parents and brother Kevin came, Dene and Ian, Nadia and her four kids from next door, my cousin Michelle and her son Jordan, and Susan (who made the cake) and her husband Stephen came too. It was a good day, although I was shattered by the time everyone left as I'd been up since 6am with Keely, and then I'd helped with all the food, including going to pick the cake up in the morning.

Hazel - I look forward to seeing you in Nuneaton, and yes, Keely is coming too.

Still alive and kicking...

...just in case anyone was wondering! I haven't really felt much like blogging for a couple of months (or is it more?) but thought it was time I got back into it.

I've been busy stitching the last few weeks, here's some pics of what I've been working on. The first one is by The Drawn Thread and is called erm...Sampler of Stitches. This is part 1 almost finished. It has been finished since this photo was taken but it's been put away for now.

The next photo is a HAED called QS Blue Butterfly by Ching-Chou Kuik. This will be for Keely I would think, or possibly for someone else who likes butterflies. I haven't quite decided yet.

And just for the hell of it, here's a few recent photos of Keely. Kate and Keely are away for three weeks - a week in Hull at Kate's dad's, a week in Cleethorpes with him and his family, and another week in Hull - and it's ever so quiet without them here.

This photo was taken back in July I think when we had a few hot days. Keely's godmother Laura was up here and brought her a paddling pool and ball pool. They decided to give Keely an instant boob job. Katie Price eat your heart out!

This was the first time Keely had ever fallen asleep on the floor. She normally has to be held to go to sleep, but she was so shattered she just crashed out here.

We had to get Keely a passport as we're driving down to southern Spain in October, and she's coming with us - seeing as Kate will be at college. This is her passport photo.

She was supposed to be having her afternoon nap, but was more interested in playing peekaboo. I have got a brilliant video clip that I was trying to put on but I can't remember how I did it last time so I've given up. She's a cheeky little bugger.

And last but not least...she gets into everything now. This is her causing mayhem in my office by removing all the envelopes from the bottom shelf. She thought it was highly amusing.

Too Hot To Happy Dance

I finished stitching these baby feet today. The chart was in a cross stitch magazine and I thought it would be perfect for Keely. I'm eventually going to make it into a quilt square and then into a quilt for her, but I need lots more things stitched first.

I've had a fairly quiet weekend. Kate and Keely are in Hull visiting Steven and his family (Kate's Dad) so I've been able to get on and finish the feet and generally not do very much. The weather has been lovely here, but I haven't been able to sit out in the garden cos it's a tip, and needs a load of work doing in it to get rid of the weeds that have sprouted up through the gravel. Craig was supposed to be doing some gardening today but I think he's forgotten that he said that. LOL.

High School Reunion

Last night I dragged Craig along to my High School reunion, which was at the Three Mile pub in Gosforth. There weren't that many of us there, just five from my year group (Susan Hunter, Michelle Spence, Michelle McFadden, Deborah Marcus and me) and one from a couple of years above us - Barbara (I can't remember what Susan said her surname used to be). The pub was heaving, mostly all teeny-boppers wearing VERY wide belts masquerading as skirts, and it was very noisy. To be honest, it was too noisy as we couldn't hear what we were saying to each other. Craig and I left just after half nine, and after we left someone else turned up, Natalie Bowron.

It was a good night, and it was great to catch up with people I haven't seen in years, not since we left school in 1982. I'd seen Susan, she was my chief bridesmaid at my first wedding in 1984, and she came to the hospital to see me when Dene was born, although I can't actually remember that. Mam has a photo of her there, so she must have been. I've seen her once or twice since then, and we swap Christmas cards each year. She hasn't changed much.

Today I'm taking Mam down into Blyth as she's going to buy some new cothes. She's lost some weight and her old clothes are too big for her now.

It's lovely and quiet here this weekend. Kate and Keely went down to Hull on Thursday to go and stay with Kate's Dad. They come back on Tuesday

On Thursday I went to a new stitching group in Ashington. It's held in a church hall. A friend of mine called Wendy told me all about it as she goes, so I went with her and another new friend that I chat to on Facebook called Vickie. There weren't many of us there, only 9, but it was a good couple of hours and it made a change from sitting in the house.

Yesterday I met up with Wendy again in the Keel Row (shopping centre in Blyth) and we went for our lunch at the Ridge Farm pub in Bedlington before I drove Wendy home. We sat out in her back garden for an hour in the glorious sunshine. Definitely going to do that more often. LOL.

It's another lovely sunny day today, so when I get back from Blyth I'm going to sit up here with the window wide open and try and get on with some stitching. I haven't done much lately and it's about time I did.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

2008 Ozark Sampler SAL HD

WOOHOO! It's finally finished, last years Ozark Sampler SAL. Sorry this isn't the best photo in the world, some of the colours are a bit insipid, whereas they're not IRL. I put the last few stitches into it this morning. No idea what I'm going to do with it, so it'll go in the finished drawer for a while till I decide.

I took Keely to visit my parents this afternoon. While I was there I discovered she has another tooth. That's two come through this week. Her first one came through on Monday. I just hope the rest of them arrive with as little fuss as these two have. She's funny though cos I'm the only one she lets feel her teeth. Although...she did bite Kate on the toe this morning. PMSL.

Fifth time lucky

I've been trying to embed a video clip into my Blog, but not having much luck. I did have it on here, but then when I tried adding text the video didn't work, so I'm going to do the writing first then add the clip in a separate post.

I suddenly remembered this afternoon that I can take video clips on my digital camera, so I tried it out on Keely this afternoon. She was doing her crawl - we're loaning her out to the army for sniper training - while Kate was counting the money in her piggy. She can sure move fast when there's something she shouldn't have! LOL.

Lets see if this works

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v499/cushie1966/Family/?action=view&current=P5200467.flv

First Tooth

Keely cut her first tooth today. Those of you who are lucky enough to be in my mobile phone book will already know this. LOL. Dunno if it came through over night, or this morning, but I was the one to find it...when she let me put a finger in her mouth. It seems to have been fairly pain free, no more whinging than usual anyway. Not that she whinges that much. Wonder if that was why she was grouchy and had a throat infection last weekend though. Hope the rest come through as quietly as this first one.

Ozark Sampler 2008

I've been working on last year's Ozark Sampler SAL this week, to try and get it finished before I start the next photo chart. Oh, I found out the names of the children. The little boy is Harry, and his sister is Olivia. I don't have a photo of the SAL yet, I want to wait till it's finished, sometime over this weekend with any luck, but I do have a couple of new photos of Keely. In the first one she's sitting in one of the laundry baskets - empty of ironing for a change. She thought she was the bees knees in that. She certainly looks a lot happier than she did earlier in the week when she was a proper grump. We took her to the hospital on Monday night as she was almost covered in a rash, head to toe, and found out she had a throat infection. The doctor gave us penicillin for her and she was more or less back to normal a couple of days later.

The bottom photo is of Keely in her Newcastle United strip. Here you go Guy and Mark!! Obviously this one was taken BEFORE the Jaffa Cake!

Guess who likes...

...Jaffa Cakes?