Monday, January 04, 2010

Oh...and I forgot...


Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creature that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd in our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the shopping centre and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to A&E. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the Nurse days, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs Hearmeroar...Calm down and push.' 'Just one more good push (more like 10), warranting a strong well-deserved impulse to punch the %*&£"£$ hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their 'Teen Years.'

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40s - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause', the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

You think woman are the 'weaker sex'? Yeah right.

Monday, November 09, 2009


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bottom.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water!

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Simple Home Remedies

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. It it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Friday, November 06, 2009


The difference...Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £3 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everthing on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wall and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nailes with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on 24th December in 25 minutes flat.

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each through in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somhow deteriorate during the night.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


Taken from the Sentenella #62 Axarquia Edition

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I walk towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I brought up from the postbox earlier...
I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk post in the bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head towards the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been seartching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
*the car isn't washed
*the bills aren't paid
*there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
*the flowers don't have enough water
*there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
*I can't find the remote
*I can't find my glasses
*and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll just check my e-mail.....

Strange News 1

While we were in Spain we had access to this great little booklet called The Sentinella, which is full of jokes and stories, and is hilarious. I'm going to share some of the entries with you.

Taken from The Sentinella #62 - Axarquia Edition


More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits, accoring to a new survey.

An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break - with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital.

The survey found that almost a third of adults had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish out the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in ten had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit. Three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and sever per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.

The custard cream was found to be the worst offender.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

More Photos - Torrox Costa 05/10/09 - 15/10/09

After we left Nuneaton in the evening after the meet-up, we drove down to Folkestone to get the train through the tunnel to Calais. Keely was as good as gold all the way to Spain, as you can see from the photo below.

Driving towards the Sierra Leone mountain range

The photo below was taken about an hour after we arrived at Cafe Bar Nautico, the bar that Craig's cousin Marion runs with her partner Graham. It was red hot in Spain the two weeks that were there, so we were really lucky with the weather, which was great.

Below: view along the promenade

Below: Keely at the pool. Not that she would go in it, but she loved crawling around at the side. As soon as you put her in the water she screamed her head off.

Below: View from the front of the Cafe Bar Nautico, straight onto the beach. The bar is about 30 yards from the beach, and the sea is probably about another 60 yards. It's a great place to sit and people watch. I could do that all day...and pretty much did!

One day we went to nearby Nerja. Below is Marion sitting in the round bar where we had tapas for lunch. I'd never had tapas before, and nor had Craig, so it made a nice change.

The coastline had some amazing views as you can see from the photo of Keely and I below.

From the Balcon de Europe in Nerja there were more spectacular views, not least of which was looking straight down. The water was so clear and aquamarine blue...beautiful.

Not far from Caleta Harbour is the beach. The photo below was taken looking towards Torrox Costa. The beaches were surprisingly uncrowded along this particular stretch.

Ah yes, my two sleeping beauties. Keely was in a bit of a tired strop one morning, so Craig took her for a lie down in our room. I stood on the balcony outside and took this photo. They look so peaceful just lying there, fast asleep.

Above: Caleta Harbour. There were some gorgeous yachts here, but no good to me, I get seasick!
Below: Marion and Graham. We went to a restaurant overlooking the harbour for lunch on the Saturday, after a walk around the market.

Keely wasn't too chuffed about the beach at first, but by the end of the second week she loved it.

Below: Sunset on the beach.

Marion and Graham only really have one night off a week together, which is a Sunday. We took them out for a meal to a little restaurant that did fab ribs! They were delicious. Afterwards we went back to the bar for drinks and it was after midnight before we went back to the apartment to put Keely to bed. She only had one really late night the whole time we were there.

Above - ME
Below - Craig and Marion on the Balcon de Europe, Nerja

On the day before we were due to start driving home, Marion took us to see this lake, about half an hour drive from Torrox Costa. We went into one of the restaurants overlooking the lake.
Look at those views!

Time For Photos - Nuneaton 03/10/09

On Craig's birthday, 2nd October, we drove down to Nuneaton for another stitching meet-up. It was after 11pm by the time we got to the Travelodge (it was so well advertised and the bloody postcode was wrong on the web site!) and all three of us were absolutely knackered - Keely came too - but our first stop was the room next door to ours to visit with Kathy and the twins. We had a birthday drink for Craig then went to our room and crashed out. On the Saturday morning we made our way to the school and met up with all the old faces. Lynn did a fab job of organising everything and the day went really well.

Above: Vicky, who is a designer, just can't remember the name of her company
Below: My mate Kathy

Below: Hazel and Tracey, hard at work

Below: Clare and Tina

Below: Clare and Lynn. Does anyone remember Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough doing a sketch dressed up as old women gossiping over the fence? This is them when they were younger. PMSL. Sorry ladies, but I just couldn't help it.

Below: Clare with Keely, who was spoilt rotten all day

Below: Angie, who for once was crutch/plaster/accident free!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Still here...

I haven't done much stitching lately so nothing to show and tell about on that front. Had a great holiday in Spain, visiting Craig's cousin and her partner. Keely came too and she had a wicked time. I'll post some photos soon, I promise.
In the meantime, here's a joke. Sorry if it offend you, you could always not read it, but it IS funny. LOL.
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you, you have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore I can never beat you."
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Monday, September 14, 2009

Keely's First Birthday & Party

Last Wednesday it was Keely's 1st birthday. To be honest, it doesn't seem like a year since I was in the hospital with a petrified Kate, waiting for the baby to make an appearance. I think she was a bit bemused with all the attention she was getting. She got some lovely pressies including this pushalong thing with an activity centre on it, and the ride-along in the photo below this one, that she got from her Great Gran and Great Granda.

As you can see from the photo below, Great Granda enjoys playing with Keely's toys too. I suppose he has to show her how they work - that'll be his excuse anyway. LOL.

Above - enjoying a cuddle with Great Gran,
and below - cake for breakfast, yummy

Above - the official birthday cake that my friend Susan made
Below - Uncle Dene
Above - Uncle Ian
Below - Auntie Laura (Keely's godmother) and her fiance Dean

Keely had a great day on her birthday, and also on her party day which was Saturday. Kate's dad, his wife and their youngest son came up, as did Laura, her fiance Dean, and her mum Nicky. My friend Wendy came for an hour. My parents and brother Kevin came, Dene and Ian, Nadia and her four kids from next door, my cousin Michelle and her son Jordan, and Susan (who made the cake) and her husband Stephen came too. It was a good day, although I was shattered by the time everyone left as I'd been up since 6am with Keely, and then I'd helped with all the food, including going to pick the cake up in the morning.
Hazel - I look forward to seeing you in Nuneaton, and yes, Keely is coming too.